“Finding a means is not the only thing to do. It has to do with essentially having different desires. Since I know I won’t be able to provide them with the love and care they need, I don’t want to have a child.” There was an unbearable silence for a while. Both of us knew what needed to happen. We ended up divorcing. Even though it was unbearable, I thought that was the only way we could both get the happiness we deserved. A few years passed. I started over, secured employment, and surrounded myself with friends who grew to be like family. However, I could never shake the pain that reminded me of the life I had once dreamed. I communicated with Tanner on occasion, primarily via quick texts. Despite living in the same town, we hardly ever saw each other. Up till recently…
I noticed him as I was aimlessly perusing the aisles of the nearby store. With his cart brimming with children’s toys, Tanner stood at the cash register.My heart gave out. I had a wave of mixed feelings, including hurtful, profound despair and rage. Why would he purchase toys? Was the man who refused to have children suddenly a father? It seemed like a tragic turn of events. I couldn’t contain my curiosity, so I followed him. I followed him, feeling like a detective in one of those crime dramas, while he piled the toys into his car. He drove to a storage container instead of a family home. He spent a long time inside unloading the toys, and I watched. My mind was buzzing with ideas. Was a family behind him? concealing something from everyone? I followed him with my heart thumping in my chest till he finally went. Tanner took me to the home where we once shared hopes of our future together. No indications of a new partner or kids were present. It appeared as I had remembered, seemingly eternally preserved in time. I was overcome with fatigue and humiliation, but there was no going back now. I inhaled deeply before exiting the vehicle and approaching the door. I tapped, and my hand trembled. Tanner looked surprised, then puzzled, as he opened the door. “Giselle? Why are you in this place?” <I paused, letting the words come out quickly. “I noticed you with all those toys at the store. I believed that you had a new family.” With a groan, Tanner moved aside to make room for me. It isn’t what you believe. Allow me to clarify. The house felt uncannily familiar, with memories lurking around every corner. In the living room, we took a seat and there was a thick hush between us. Tanner finally said something. “I understand that you must be perplexed by this, Giselle. However, it’s not what it seems to be.” He inhaled deeply, honesty shining in his eyes. “I’ll tell you everything.” Tanner’s calm but impassioned voice opened his story, and I sat in startled silence. With tears in his eyes, he remarked, “Every Christmas, I dress up as Santa and go around to unfortunate neighborhoods, giving presents to poor kids.”“Why?” Still reeling from the shock of what he was telling me, I questioned. He inhaled deeply while maintaining a detached gaze as though gazing back across the years. My family was really impoverished when I was a child. A stranger who was dressed like Santa Claus once knocked on our house bearing gifts. It was the pinnacle of my early years. That instance of kindness and that moment stayed with me. I’ve made it my goal to help others in the same way ever since.” The weight of my preconceptions was bearing down on me, leaving me speechless. I had been misinterpreting his goals and motivations all along. In the most altruistic way imaginable, he was giving back to the community by purchasing toys for a new family. Tanner went on, “I decided that I would set aside a portion of my salary every month to buy toys and presents when I got my first job.” To ensure that no child in my former neighborhood had to experience what I had back then, I wanted to be prepared for December.”His eyes glistened with determination and passion when he spoke of those children, and I could see it. I had never seen that side of him before, and it opened my eyes to how much I had misinterpreted him.“I just… I don’t know what to say,” My feelings were a jumbled mix of sadness, admiration, and a profound, hurting respect as I stammered. “Why didn’t you tell me?” With his words hardly audible above a whisper, Tanner peered down. “I didn’t want to add to the previously existing complexity. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if you would comprehend.” I knew there was some truth to what he said, even though it hurt. Our split had been nasty, and I hadn’t given his point of view since I was so preoccupied with my own suffering.“I’m really sorry,” I murmured, my eyes starting to flood with tears. “I saw you with those toys, and that made me very furious and hurt. I believed you to have moved on and begun a new family. I never thought I would…”Warm and comforting, his hand went out and grasped mine. Giselle, you don’t have to apologize. Both of us erred. However, I’m delighted you now know the reality.” For a brief while, we sat in quiet, our common past weighing heavily on us. Tanner finally got to his feet. He murmured, “Come with me,” a tiny smile dancing over his lips. “I want to show you something.”I was so curious and excited that I followed him to the storage unit. After opening the door and turning on the light, he saw a long row of neatly stacked boxes, all of which were stuffed with gifts and toys. “This is amazing,” I said, scarcely raising my voice above a whisper. “You’ve done all this by yourself?” Tanner gave a nod. “It’s worth the years it took to build up. It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to see the joy on those children’s faces.” I had the utmost respect for Tanner as I surveyed the storage facility. Our traumatic history had prepared us for something lovely and significant. I came to see that occasionally there are hidden motives behind people’s behavior.“Do you need any help?” I questioned, even startling myself with the inquiry. With a look of astonishment and thankfulness in his eyes, Tanner turned to face me. “Are you serious? You’d wish to assist?” With a smile on my face, I gave a nod. Yes. It’s probably time for me to start giving back as well.” Tanner and I spent hours together getting ready for Christmas over the next two weeks. We prepared arrangements for the big day, wrapped gifts, and organized toys. Though quite demanding, the task was also very fulfilling. And as we collaborated, we started to mend the scars from our past. We got suited up as Santa and his elf and filled his van with presents on Christmas Eve. I felt a little anxious and excited in my chest as we drove to the first neighborhood. Children gathered around us, ecstatic and amazed, as soon as we arrived. “Ho, ho, ho!” Tanner roared, giving presents with a gleam in his eye. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh along with the kids, and I experienced a warmth that hadn’t left me in a long time. We visited several communities over the night, making scores of children happy. Tanner and I grew closer as a result of the amazing encounter, which had been lacking in our previous relationship. We were thrilled yet tired by the time we got back to his house. Tanner responded, “Thank you, Giselle,” as we were getting the car unloaded. “I couldn’t have done this without you.” I felt a sense of fulfillment that I hadn’t had in years as I grinned. “Tanner, no. I’m grateful. For demonstrating to me that goodness still exists in the world and for assisting me in returning there.” I felt a weight come off my shoulders as I drove away. Although the course of our narrative had taken an unexpected turn, it had given us both hope and healing.I awoke peacefully on Christmas Day the following morning. Though I knew our tale was far from done, I felt optimistic about the future for the first time in a long time.I grinned as I took a sip of my coffee and gazed out the window at the snow-covered landscape, remembering the kids who had woken up to find gifts from Santa.Tanner and I had managed to transform our suffering into something lovely. And in doing so, we had discovered a means to reconnect with one another—not as husband and wife, but as friends and collaborators on a quest to spread happiness around the world. It was a fresh start, full of insight, hope, and a revitalized sense of mission.
